We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
