I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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