I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
