My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
