So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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