When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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