Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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