I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
