Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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