his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
