Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I could fuck to npr.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
