How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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