I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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