Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
