I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
