So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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