And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
