i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
