I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
