im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize