Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm like, not good at living.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
