She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize