i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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