I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
