I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
