i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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