She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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