Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
