Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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