I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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