Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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