I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize