he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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