textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
