it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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