I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
