i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
