I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
