you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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