My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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