I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
