I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
