I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
