oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We got so high we made milksteak
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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