I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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