Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I've blown a few things in my day
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
