Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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