Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
