So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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