just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
True but thats because hes a fetus.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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