I think I won the penis lottery.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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