can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
