I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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