My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
