WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
