Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
