My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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