everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
