She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
